Every year, in accordance with Jewish tradition, between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, we are to make atonement with those we have wronged. The idea, which I approve of, is that while prayer and repentance can erase sins between one and one’s deity, forgiveness for out transgressions against other human beings can only be undone by the forgiveness of the humans we have wronged. Thus, each year, I ask forgiveness for those I have harmed, by word or by deed, intentionally or unintentionally, and in return, I forgive all those who have harmed me.
This year, I cannot do this. There are those who have hurt me, people who I trusted, who I cannot forgive, no matter how I try. There are those I hurt, whether intentionally or not, who I cannot ask for forgiveness from, because I truly do not regret my choices, my actions. In some cases, I wish I had hurt them more. Thus, I find myself in a bind. How does one forgive when one is still too full of rage to forgive? How does one ask for forgiveness when one does not wish forgiveness, not because one does not believe one does not deserve it, but because one does not wish for the forgiveness, only the pain, of the other? These thoughts will not leave my head, and thus, I do not know what to say for this year.
I will merely say, I hope all who read this are inscribed for a good year, and my prayer is this, for those who I am not full of rage at, know that I have nothing but love in my heart for you. For those for whom the rage is the only thing left, I pray that you make use of the services of a good proctologist, to remove the cranium from your rectal cavity.